Look, I hate to be the one to tell you this but it’s for
your own good: you are diseased.
I feel perfectly
healthy! you might say. It’s
fine. That’s everyone’s first reaction when
they find out they’re GC positive. The
whole “denial is the first step on the path to acceptance” thing.
I went through the same thing when I found out I had GC,
carrying on like everything was perfect sunshine lollipops in the Land of
Happy-Dappy Smilefairies, but it didn't last. The signs were sporadic at first: a cracked knuckle here,
a sore wrist there. Then things started to
build, quick. The symptoms became impossible to ignore. It got to the point where even seeing the boomerang-esque shape of the
Xbox 360 controller caused me to fall to my knees, put my sweaty, tendonitis
-infested arms to the sky and curse the cruel God who designed such an arcane
device. I couldn’t eat, sleep, bathe,
Scrabble. I was a total wreck.
Now hold on, don’t get all teary-eyed and confine your 360
to a dusty prison closet just yet: I found a cure. You just probably haven’t heard about it
thanks to the massive Microsoft-financed conspiracy keeping medical
professionals from recognizing the GC threat.
Don’t believe me? Fine, then go
to your doctor’s office; have her tell you that “It’s just tendonitis; take
some aspirin and stop clutching your vidyagame joystick so damn much.” But before you leave, riddle me this: what
operating system is installed on her computer?
That’s right: Windows XP. By
Microsoft. The same company that made your Xbox 360 controller. I told you
this was big.
There is only one thing that will save you now: Xwerx’s
XtendPlay for the Xbox 360. Its “Soft-touch fleXlite™ shape” and “Airflow Channels” are the magic
cure that “the man” doesn’t want you to know about. We must act quickly though, because Microsoft
has already struck: Xwerx has fallen and the underground resistance network has been reduced to
Amazon. So please, spend $20 (plus
shipping) on a giant foam controller cushion and help me help you. Join together with your arthritic brothers as
we strike down the global Gamer’s Claw threat!
Because Gamer’s Claw is totally a thing.
Yep. Totally a thing.
Sarcastic intros about marketing buzzwords
aside, the XtendPlay pretty much does what it advertises. It’s a big hunk of neon green foam that fits
snugly on the bottom of your Xbox 360 controller, altering the stock ergonomics
and supposedly providing a more comfortable gaming experience. Since I have such ginormous sausage fingers
(seriously, it’s like someone tried to reattach my severed hands but used
couple of pork chops and a pack of bratwurst instead) the XtendPlay provides a
more natural resting spot for my three unused digits, giving my thumbs and
index fingers better positions to press buttons and whatnot. It’s especially useful if you have FPS Freeks
installed, letting your thumbs rest squarely on top of the nubs without having
to shift your entire hand to do so. The
other major benefit is the large square area at the bottom, which rests on your
chest/stomach and provides a stable position for the controller. This feels much more natural than the normal
positions I hold my controller in and really does help reduce arm fatigue when
having a multi-hour FPSathon. The foam is
firm but comfortable and provides a nicer grip than the hard plastic wings of a
stock controller.
The increase in comfort comes with several
major drawbacks though. By far the most
inconvenient and perplexing flaw with the XtendPlay is its lack of a hole for
headset wires. Every time you want to
chat with your buddies in Halo you have to take the damn pad off, plug in the
wire and reattach it with the wire hanging garishly along the back. And if your mic uses a puck instead of a
wire? Too bad, so sad. Why there wasn't a piece of foam
removed to eliminate this problem, I will never know. The added controller size worked for me but
anyone with normal-sized or smallish hands will find it tough to adapt to. The “Airflow Channels” that “keep hands cool
and dry” did nothing for me and served as more of a distraction when my index
fingers slid into them while searching for shoulder buttons. Although I don’t mind it, my wife thinks the
neon green coloring and overall size is a total eyesore (it is, in her words,
“like those pads that kids have to wear to cure clubbed feet”). But by far the biggest drawback of the
XtendPlay is its price. $20 for any
controller add-on is a tough pill to swallow, but having to pay that (plus
shipping) for what amounts to a piece of foam is just too much.
While the XtendPlay worked great for me,
its current incarnation has too many flaws to give an across-the-board
recommendation. People with big hands or
problems with arm fatigue may get some use out of it but everyone else is
better off saving their $20.
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