Look, I hate to be the one to tell you this but it’s for
your own good: you are diseased.

I went through the same thing when I found out I had GC,
carrying on like everything was perfect sunshine lollipops in the Land of
Happy-Dappy Smilefairies, but it didn't last. The signs were sporadic at first: a cracked knuckle here,
a sore wrist there. Then things started to
build, quick. The symptoms became impossible to ignore. It got to the point where even seeing the boomerang-esque shape of the
Xbox 360 controller caused me to fall to my knees, put my sweaty, tendonitis
-infested arms to the sky and curse the cruel God who designed such an arcane
device. I couldn’t eat, sleep, bathe,
Scrabble. I was a total wreck.
Now hold on, don’t get all teary-eyed and confine your 360
to a dusty prison closet just yet: I found a cure. You just probably haven’t heard about it
thanks to the massive Microsoft-financed conspiracy keeping medical
professionals from recognizing the GC threat.
Don’t believe me? Fine, then go
to your doctor’s office; have her tell you that “It’s just tendonitis; take
some aspirin and stop clutching your vidyagame joystick so damn much.” But before you leave, riddle me this: what
operating system is installed on her computer?
That’s right: Windows XP. By
Microsoft. The same company that made your Xbox 360 controller. I told you
this was big.
There is only one thing that will save you now: Xwerx’s
XtendPlay for the Xbox 360. Its “Soft-touch fleXlite™ shape” and “Airflow Channels” are the magic
cure that “the man” doesn’t want you to know about. We must act quickly though, because Microsoft
has already struck: Xwerx has fallen and the underground resistance network has been reduced to
Amazon. So please, spend $20 (plus
shipping) on a giant foam controller cushion and help me help you. Join together with your arthritic brothers as
we strike down the global Gamer’s Claw threat!
Because Gamer’s Claw is totally a thing.
Yep. Totally a thing.