Look, I hate to be the one to tell you this but it’s for your own good: you are diseased.
I feel perfectly healthy! you might say. It’s fine. That’s everyone’s first reaction when they find out they’re GC positive. The whole “denial is the first step on the path to acceptance” thing.
I went through the same thing when I found out I had GC, carrying on like everything was perfect sunshine lollipops in the Land of Happy-Dappy Smilefairies, but it didn't last. The signs were sporadic at first: a cracked knuckle here, a sore wrist there. Then things started to build, quick. The symptoms became impossible to ignore. It got to the point where even seeing the boomerang-esque shape of the Xbox 360 controller caused me to fall to my knees, put my sweaty, tendonitis -infested arms to the sky and curse the cruel God who designed such an arcane device. I couldn’t eat, sleep, bathe, Scrabble. I was a total wreck.
Now hold on, don’t get all teary-eyed and confine your 360 to a dusty prison closet just yet: I found a cure. You just probably haven’t heard about it thanks to the massive Microsoft-financed conspiracy keeping medical professionals from recognizing the GC threat. Don’t believe me? Fine, then go to your doctor’s office; have her tell you that “It’s just tendonitis; take some aspirin and stop clutching your vidyagame joystick so damn much.” But before you leave, riddle me this: what operating system is installed on her computer? That’s right: Windows XP. By Microsoft. The same company that made your Xbox 360 controller. I told you this was big.
There is only one thing that will save you now: Xwerx’s XtendPlay for the Xbox 360. Its “Soft-touch fleXlite™ shape” and “Airflow Channels” are the magic cure that “the man” doesn’t want you to know about. We must act quickly though, because Microsoft has already struck: Xwerx has fallen and the underground resistance network has been reduced to Amazon. So please, spend $20 (plus shipping) on a giant foam controller cushion and help me help you. Join together with your arthritic brothers as we strike down the global Gamer’s Claw threat! Because Gamer’s Claw is totally a thing. Yep. Totally a thing.